Supplying an Endless Barrage of Needs
It was a Sunday morning and my house looked like a train had hit it. Dishes were everywhere, the floor had more than one meal's worth of mess on it and shoes, jerseys and books were lying all over the living room. Eight people in one house can make this kind of mess in seconds. I was trying to get all the kids adequately attired so we could leave the house and join my husband who had already left for church, and requests for my attention seemed to be flying in thick and fast. We made it to church, although I might have displayed better character on other days. (That's a gentle way of saying I was a mean, grumpy mom!)
As I sat in church, wishing I hadn't overreacted, I once again felt God ask me, "What lie are you believing that makes you act like that?" As God would have it, my husband was preaching on the fact that our actions follow our beliefs, and that when you say you'll do one thing, but then act another way, it's because your actions will always follow deep underlying beliefs that you may not even be conscious of.
I analysed my actions and put this chain together: when I shouted or felt like it was all too much for me, it was because of a feeling of panic that was rising up within me at all the demands on me; I had that feeling of panic because deep down I didn't believe I could cope with the demands. Bringing this belief to the light I came to realise that my belief wasn't true. It was based on years of having my responsibilities growing just slightly faster than my capabilities. As a parent, and particularly a mother, you can't really become ready to have a baby until you have one. And then it takes a while to adjust to the increase in responsibility before you feel like you are coping. For me, the last ten years, every time I was coping, we had another baby, and so my ability to cope just always seemed to be a few months behind what I actually had to do right then.
I thought about today, whether or not I could cope with loading the dishwasher and sweeping the floor (even just around the eating area), and asking the kids to take their belongings to their rooms. I realised that my underlying belief was wrong - I absolutely could cope. And then I thought about the barrage of demands and the children always needing something from me. They look to me for attention, for love, for their peace. And while I know that within me, there is not quite enough to supply even one person's emotional and spiritual needs, I am not the source. I am only a conduit. My ability to supply endless amounts of peace and grace in my home is equal to my ability to 'plug myself in' to the true Source.
This last weekend, my husband let me get away for some me-time, and I spent most of it reconnecting with God, and becoming more familiar with His presence and more tuned in to His voice, which comes to me not so much in words, as in impressions.
When I was back with my children after the weekend, it wasn't long before that familiar feeling of mild panic began to rise. I was in the kitchen making six hundred sandwiches (or so it felt) and my kids were all around me, asking what was for lunch, asking what was for supper (boys!), asking if they could help, telling me about their weekend... I could literally feel them drawing from my "emotional account".
But this time, I identified the lie that I couldn't cope before it caused me to act. Resisting the urge to shoe them out the kitchen, I smiled at them while in my heart I remembered that I was connected to the Source and all I had to do was let His grace, His peace, flow through me to them. By the time I had made the six hundredth sandwich, they had all been fed, in body and soul, and my account was not emptier, but rather my connection to God was clearer, and my heart at peace.
