Taming Boistrous Boys without Breaking their Hearts
Everywhere my 7 year old boy goes, things break and people cry. He's fast, he's strong, and he's loud. He loves to touch everything he walks past, dragging his hand along the walls and swinging the curtains as he goes. His movements are always quick and with great force, so that sometimes a glass will break just because he put it down too hard on the counter. If it doesn't, no doubt it will break a few seconds later when he knocks it over while doing something else with a flourish. He is extremely affectionate, and loves to be in physical contact with his people. He will reach out and touch us as we walk past. He is always picking up his little brothers, or tickling them, or wrestling with them. He'll hug his sisters with the tightest squeeze possible. He's just a very physical person.
But 99 times out of a 100, when someone is crying in our house, it's because his affection has been too rough. And 99 times out of a 100 he didn't mean to hurt them, he was just being friendly. He went to bed in tears last night, having been firmly spoken to all day (it felt like) about slowing down and being more gentle, and respecting people and property. His heart just couldn't take it anymore. In his mind, he is a failure - a little boy who is 'naughty' all day without even trying to be. As he curled up in his bed, facing the wall to hide his sobs, it was all I could do to get him to listen to me one more time for the day. It helped that I was telling him a story, as his last disappointment had been that there was no time for me to read to them as he had broken a glass in my bathroom while brushing his teeth, and the clean up operation had taken us until bedtime.
"My boy, did you know there's a lion park in South Africa where people are allowed to go into the cages with the lions and touch them? They allow people to go into the big daddy lion's cage, because even though he is very strong, he is tame and has learnt how to be gentle with people. He knows how to control his strength. They also allow people to go into the cage with the little cubs, because they are small and can't hurt anybody. But the young male lion - the one that has grown strong and nearly as big as the daddy, but is still growing his mane - no-one but the trainer is allowed into his cage. That's because even though he is a friendly lion, he is very strong and doesn't yet know how strong he is. Sometimes he will put his paws up on someone to say hello, and knock them right over! He hurts people without meaning to because he doesn't yet know how to control his muscles and be slow and gentle."
"My boy, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. Most 7 year old boys who are fast and strong like you also break a lot of things and hurt people by mistake. But you need to concentrate hard to learn to control your strength, and to act more slowly. You need to think before you do something, looking around to see who might be hurt and what might break. Then when you've learnt how to be gentle, you will be like the lion whose mane has grown, who is strong, but also gentle, and who moves carefully so that his great size and strength won't damage anything."
I think he went to sleep comforted, and he needed all the comfort he could get, because today wasn't any easier. Today the whole glass stack door broke thanks to the jolly good kick of a strong little boy who is still learning self-control.
And yet being physical isn't bad. As my boy comes up behind me as I'm sitting at my table, and puts his head over my shoulder to kiss my cheek, unsolicited, just because he loves to touch his people, I am so grateful that he is like he is. But taming this young man is going to be a journey. And I plan to take the slow road. The road that allows him to rein in and control his strength and his skill and his awesome affection, not the road that asks him to desert these precious qualities.
