Coveting the Gifts of the Spirit
I believe God wants to restore a spirit of vulnerability amongst His people, that allows us to walk together honestly as we all strive to become fully the person that God made each of us to be, celebrating each other's strengths and bringing credibility and courage to the working out of our weaknesses. I write this in that spirit.
It was a serious moment as the church gathered to focus our attention on the Almighty God. The band played sweetly and the voices behind me chorused beautifully. I had in mind an exquisite harmony, and attempted to raise it to heaven, but realised as I did so that I added more in silence than I did in singing. In a flash, a thought occurred to me, and I started to giggle. The stifled laughter intensified as I started to think of all the things I wanted to be for God, all the things I had prayed that He would make me, and I realised that if God had answered all my prayers I would be super amazing!
When I was a young girl a team visited our Sunday School and played guitar and sang for us. As I recall, one of the girls told a testimony of how she was unable to play guitar, but God had supernaturally enabled her, so that she could be a part of this team of travelling musicians. For years I prayed that He would give me the gift of singing. Now many years later, the grace still flows from the people to me, as opposed to from me to the people when I sing loud enough for others to hear.
Similarly, I have prayed for the gift of prophecy, that I would be able to see the supernatural world at work as clearly as the natural world. That, looking at a person, I would see their spirits as clearly as their bodies, as well as see any angels in the room. So far, I mostly just see bodies.
If God had always said 'Yes' to me, I would be able to sing, preach, dance, play instruments, prophecy, bring wisdom, and host hospitably, among other things. I'd basically be a one-man show. And you better believe no-one would measure up!
I laughed when I realised that I had been wanting to be the best at everything. The very thing God has been slowly weeding out of my life in other areas, I saw was so rife in how I found my place amongst the church.
As I laughed at myself, God reminded me of the Russian ballet my husband so romantically took me to last week. Throughout the ballet, each dancer in the company was perfectly aligned, tutu's bouncing and legs lifting exactly in time and in line. Except for one dancer. She was the blonde amongst the brunette's and everything in her cried out, '"Notice me!". Her leg lifted higher, her smile was brilliant, not serene, her timing was always a moment too soon, and she was always half a step out of the line so she could be slightly in front of the rest.
While she was a beautiful ballerina, it was grating having her on stage. She was distracting, and certainly did not add to the overall glory of the company.
I would have hung my head in shame, as I stood in worship, but instead I felt the Father's humour as He watched me realise that I didn't want to be distractingly 'brilliant'. I wanted Him to have the glory, and for that I wanted the company of the church to each take their place so that the overall picture of the church would bring Him glory. I found myself retracting some age-old prayers. I don't want to have all the gifts. I don't even want to be 'the best' in the gifts He's given to me. I just want to be the best at taking my place amongst the company of dancers, wherever the Choreographer puts me!
