Hiding Behind Motherhood
So often, us women are defined by our relationships. Growing up, I was always known as Kevin's sister. My big brother was a prominent feature in the social scene of Durban, popular with the boys and girls alike, and if ever I ventured out, a few minutes after I was introduced to someone the lightbulb would go on for them…"Oh! You're Kevin's sister!" and I was immediately included into the inner circle.
Being Richard's wife has been even more defining. My husband is the pastor of a church and increasingly a leader in our broader community. Recently I was chatting to a lady at church that I had met the week before. It was clear she didn't remember meeting me, until she realised that I had six children, like the pastor. "Oh! Are you Richard's wife?" she asked. She went on to add for clarity, "Next time when you come and say hello to me just say, 'Hello, I'm Richard's wife,' and I'll know who you are."
The best, though, was when I was recently promoted to 'Jed's mom'. As fate would have it, it turns out he's a 6-year-old Casanova. He tells me, 'Mom, when I waggle my eyebrows like this (wiggling his eyebrows up and down most suggestively), the girls at school think I'm going to kiss them… But I'm not, I was just waggling my eyebrows… like this… ' (And he demonstrates again, making even his mom weak at the knees). When I went to pick him up at the classroom one day, one of the other mom's overhead me saying, "Come, Jed, let's go," and she looked at me with renewed interest. "Are you Jed's mom?" she asked, as if that was a title worth having. To be truthful though, when Richard overheard a couple of mom's talking about this 'Jed boy' that was in the same class as their daughters, and how their daughters couldn't stop talking about him, and kept giving him the treats from their lunch boxes, he was very proud to claim the title by turning around and introducing himself with, "Hi, there. I'm Jed's dad!"
These examples are just fun and brought me a good laugh each time, but the fact remains that many women live defined and constrained by their relationships to the people around them, wondering who they really are as individuals. In church, business and the home, many times societal norms have left women wondering whether their only purpose is to support the lives of others.
God does not see us that way. When God made Jaci, He made me with particular beauties, particular talents, particular tastes. He made me unique, worthy to live even without the relationships that so often are the work and purpose of my daily life. As I have known and been known by God, I have found that He validates who I am as an individual, so that I am able to serve my family and those around me from a place of being myself, rather than trying to be whatever they need.
If truth be told I have sometimes found a safety in hiding behind my relationships. I cannot deny that for a long time I found safety behind the pram. The baby was between me and the people greeting me with small talk, and was always an easy conversation point, beyond which we did not have to engage. I had a friend who would do the same thing, literally holding her baby in front of her and offering him to the person approaching so that they had no choice but to greet the baby rather than her.
If we want to find freedom to know who we are and be who we are, then we also need to have the courage to come out from behind our prams, from behind our husbands, and to shine. God's design for our lives is not defined by being anybody's mom, wife, sister or daughter, and, interestingly enough, when we become fully ourselves we find ourselves free to fulfil those roles in an even more beautiful and wholesome way. Let's go back to our maker, and discover ourselves in Him, knowing who we are and what we have to give, rather than clinging to our relationships in an empty attempt to define our identity from without.
