Tough love parenting involves balancing warmth and love with discipline. How, practically do we implement that and why is it the only parenting style to consider?
Psychologists, researchers and government officials have got 'ground-breaking' evidence in a study of 9,000 UK households in the Millennium Cohort Study to suggest that children with parents that use an authoritative approach are best prepared to do well in life.
The research was done on four parenting styles:
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Permissive (‘soft love’) - high in warmth, low in discipline
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Authoritarian (‘harsh’) – low in warmth, high in discipline
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Disengaged (‘hands–off ’) – low in warmth, low in discipline
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Authoritative (‘tough love’) – high in warmth, high in discipline
Of all the factors that children are exposed to, including the wholeness/brokeness of their family structure, the income levels of their parents, the type of education they received, and so on, the factor that most influenced their success was the parenting style that they were brought up with.
Tough Love Parenting
Effective tough love parenting is the most significant factor shaping educational outcomes for kids.
The research confirms that of Professor Charles Desforges of the University of Exeter in the UK which indicates that the quality of parenting impacts six times more on a child’s achievement at the age of seven than the quality of schooling. Authoritative or ‘tough love’ parenting is the highest quality parenting kids can receive. Children that experience a mix of discipline and warmth are more likely to develop important character traits such as self-discipline, compassion and self-regulated routine by the age of five than children who experience permissive, authoritarian or disengaged styles of parenting. The study found that children’s upbringing during preschool years profoundly determined development of social skills which allow them to get on later in life. Children with "tough love" parents were twice as likely to become empathetic, more determined in the face of difficulty, and better at controlling their emotions and avoiding temptation, by the age of five, than those with “disengaged” carers.
As Christians, this news is less 'cutting edge'. The bible has been a manual for parenting (and life) for almost as long as parents have existed.
The bible is full of wisdom to help parents with the how of parenting. It is quite clear that children require plenty of love, warmth and affection. It is also essential for children to receive firm discipline.
Many parents fall short of this biblical pattern by offering an imbalance in these. They succumb to the ebbs and flows and pendulum swings of the acceptable norms in society, rather than asking the One who gave them children.
Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. ~ Proverbs 13:24
The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son. ~ Hebrews 12:6
Seeing as we have convincing research in favour of tough love parenting, as well as biblical wisdom teaching us to do this, let's look at some helpful, real-life examples of how to implement it. Deep down most parents know what they want to happen but they just don't have the skills to get there.
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Start with love. Affirm your children in words. WATCH them, and notice when they're trying harder than normal. Commend their efforts more than their success.
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Highlight the privilege and joy of parenting. Tell them how much you delight in them, and what a blessing it is to have kids. Never let them hear you call them a burden, and when other people tell you you have your hands full, be sure to come back with, "Yes - full of good things!"
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Cuddle, love and kiss. Pat them on the head. Touch them on the shoulder. Pull them to sit on your lap. Give them more love than they need. Make sure their "love tank" is full. Love them until they say, "Enough already, Mom/Dad! I need to go and play!" Let a clingy child cling. They will become secure far more quickly if they're not pushed away.
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Loving your children doesn't mean letting them have their own way all the time, but it's important to think before you say 'no'. Say 'yes' as often as you can, and say 'no' wisely. If your child wants to play, for example, instead of saying 'No, you haven't finished your homework', rather say 'Yes, of course, once you've finished your homework'.
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Set house rules that everyone knows and understands (as far as age allows). Stick to them, and let the consequences to breaking the rules be pre-decided and communicated.
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Be consistent with discipline. Allow your children to feel secure by knowing that they can predict your behaviour. Letting 'crimes' go unpunished three times and then flipping your lid the fourth time is not helpful or safe. Let the same crime receive the same preset punishment every time.
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Facilitate times of communication such as family meetings, sitting down for meals together, encouraging conversation and leading through questions.
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Allow free communication. Anything can be talked about, even questioning boundaries and authority, so long as it is done with respect. When a parent has to say, "Because I'm the parent, that's why," that is an acceptable reason at times. You set the scene as parents with a friendly communication style that encourages talking rather than closes it down.
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Encourage a sense of empathy in children by recognising their emotions and giving them permission and assistance to talk about their feelings. Express your own feelings (appropriately), particularly those that relate to your child, and help them to realise that you are a sensitive person, too. Kids who develop this sense of being aware of others have a massive headstart in social settings over more self-centred peers.
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Develop community where children consider the well being of family rather than just themselves. This is often done best by simply not spoiling our children. Let them share bedrooms, share toys, share treats. Let them help by participating in household chores, not just in tidying their own personal belongings.
The study concludes: "Confident, skilful parents adopting a 'tough love' approach to parenting, balancing warmth with discipline, seem to be most effective in terms of generating these key character capabilities.”
Jen Lexmond, principal author of the report, added: "The foundations for our character are laid before the age of five. This puts a huge emphasis on parenting, but whatever the parental background, it is confidence, warmth and consistent discipline that matter most."
But while no one disputes that children need rules, Michael Duke, primary child psychologist in Denbighshire, North Wales, stresses that children also need role models.
"Back in the Eighties we had the notion of quality time, which was a sop to our consciences because both parents were going out to work. Now it's clear that what children need is quantity time, so that parents can instil their values into their kids and lead by example," says Duke.
"But the sort of things that parents need to do are very simple to say, yet can be difficult to put into practise."
Consistency, consequences, firmness and fairness may not offer a quick fix, but then effective tough love parenting is about the long view.