It is by knowing Him and tapping into His glory and goodness that we are able to live up to all the demands of life and parenting, and to do it excellently.

 

On a practical level, as a single parent you are no doubt having to pick up extra responsibilities that your spouse would have done had he been around. You have extra demands on you, and I think one of the biggest things that you miss out on is not the extra hands to help physically, but the partner who loves your kids and can give you a second opinion when you need one, encouragement when you need it, and even a slap on the wrists when you need it. For these things it is wonderful to be part of a community who love you and your kids and who you respect enough to be able to give you their honest opinion when you are too close to the action to see what you're doing wrong, or even what you're doing right. I know you have tapped into that, which is a massive grace over your life and the lives of your children.

 

Then, getting closer to the question that you asked, it is important to remember that although single parenting means that you have to pick up extra responsibilities in the family, which take time away from your kids, on the other hand, married people have to factor into their day extra time to connect with each other. As you know, being married takes a lot of time and effort, too. All that to say, rest assured that your question of time with your kids is not only unique to single parenting, but all of us have a number of responsibilities to juggle and things that keep us from spending time with your kids. Your situation is by no means more hopeless than that of married parents. But yes, I have no doubt it is extremely difficult and at times, overwhelming. Parenting seems to be that to us all at times!

 

Learning to Entertain Themselves

 

As your question has alluded to, kids need to spend a certain amount of time entertaining themselves. It is not true that good parenting involves entertaining your children every minute of the day. Far more important than entertaining your children is being present while they entertain themselves. That is to say, when you are within earshot of your children you can guide their play and their interactions with other children in a way that is incredibly helpful by coaching them to treat others respectfully and kindly, to share, to take turns, to be compassionate etc. I would picture you busy with your own task, either in the same room or somewhere nearby, sticking your head around the corner to say, "No, my boy, don't talk to your brother like that. Ask nicely and then he will share with you," or something to that effect.

 

Being Present and Observing Children Play

 

One step better than being within earshot, is being present and watching them while they play. Again, you do not need to be leading the playing, or stimulating them, but simply present, observing them. At these times you would aim to not be distracted or trying to do something else but simply letting them know that you are there and that you see them and are silently interested in their lives. This is so beneficial, in fact, that if your kids have got behavioural problems or require therapy, this is what a therapist will do, once a week for about ten weeks. They will simply sit and watch your child play, smiling and nodding sympathetically as if they understand exactly what the child is attempting to communicate through their playing. The child thus feels understood and their symptomatic behavioural problems are improved! (For a much more detailed and accurate description see "Play Therapy").

 

Playing with Them / Quality Time

 

And then there is actually interacting and playing with your child - a board game, or reading together, or playing pretend. This is the quality time we are thinking of and we know kids love this. A certain amount of it is important each week… but how much?

 

So, HOW MUCH Quality Time?

 

I'll break it up into how much time I would recommend you spending on each of these a week, but please bear in mind that this varies vastly in our home, depending on what age the kids are, how neglected or doted upon they have been in the days and weeks prior, and the schedule that we are able to legitimately cope with in a busy work week. For ease let's call between half-an-hour and an hour a single session.

 

I would recommend that for very young children, up to the age of 5, you would need to actually play with them for at least one session a day. For kids older than 5 (school children) it might be once or twice a week, maybe on a special family evening. We have aim to have a Friday Family Games Night. And then we'll catch a game of cards once or twice a week, and try to read to our school kids every evening. This is not prescriptive, but they do love it if we still treat them like children when it comes to spending time with them.

 

Then, for observing them play, for toddlers we tend to watch them naturally without needing to intentionally set time to do so. They are just so fascinating to watch, and get up to too much nonsense the minute our eyes are not on them! For preschoolers, perhaps one session a day, or even just once or twice a week. For school kids this is less necessary. They seem so busy they hardly get a chance to play with all their school responsibilities, but it is important to remember that it makes them feel very special when we do stop to observe their games for a few minutes here and there.

 

And then we have just being around, you doing your thing, and them busy with theirs. I think it is fine if this is the large majority of your time. If you're able to spend the afternoons at home with them, perhaps play with them first up, and then once they feel connected with you and you have got a game rolling, you can bow out politely and leave them to it while you oversee from a distance.

 

So yes, we do need to be spending some time with our kids, and a little but of guilt is fine if it motivates action. But realistically, we are not expected to entertain children all day, and parents who adopt this style of parenting produce pretty demanding kids who need to be stimulated externally. This is actually similar to kids who watch too much television - they are unable to think up ways of entertaining themselves!

 

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